Mourning

[korinalacount]

I am sitting here crying typing this,he is gone,the love of my life,that made me complete and whole,my sister and her daughter and son arrive soon and my 90 year old mom and brother in law by train Tuesday since she cant fly. Johns 2 sisters arrive Tuesday as well,memorial will probably be Wed.,that is what we are pushing for but I cant see anyone till tomorrow,giving him a veteran service,it was so quick,one moment he had a irregular heartbeat,but could go home Friday after cardiologist zapped his heart back into a regular sinus rhythum,Friday morning I visited him and he was so warm,his blood pressure was way elevated,they said he had kidney problems and type 2 diabetes,told him he wouldnt be able to drink anymore,he was fine with that,and that he had to have decaf coffee,not fine with that,he looked so lost,there was 4 other people in his room so we didnt stay as he was gonna come home after they got his bp down,the boys decided to go see him again that afternoon but I declined as my asthma and the reaction to my new blood pressure meds was bad,about a hour later son called me to say they are rushing him into surgery,I said what,they found a suspicios thing on ultrasound on his neck,and after doing a cat scan said he had a aneuryrism on his aoarta and it was torn badly,so I didnt even get to say goodbye to him,as I was rushing to the hospital I called him just before they wheeled him in and told him to fight,that he couldnt leave me,he said I will see you right after I wake up and Ill be home again in about 7 days,I love you. Abe walked him to the er surgery room and he told Abe to get his health in order,he had to have Abe promise him to go see a doctor,then he said if anything happened to him to take care of your mom cause he loved me so,he also said pick up your moms new meds,I dont want her dying,I asked doctor to switch bp meds again as bad reaction,his last words as he looked up at the 2 boys were See ya soon!The surgery went well,they came out after 2 and a half hours and said they were able to repair everything,we all had such hope,they just needed to warm up his body again so they could take him off the heart lung machine,a hour later they came out and said he doesnt want to go off the heart lung machine,it doesnt look good but we will try for another hour,they came back a hour later and said he was GONE! At the end blood went into his brain so even if he had lived he would of been a vegetable if that was my consolation. My best friend and kids went with me to say goodbye but Abe couldnt go in that was his Dad,He was still John,I kissed him goodbye and told him to rest and I would never ever forget him and what he had given me thruout our short 16 years together. I havent stopped crying since,both my sons and I are sick with bad coughs and fever and of course I wont eat,and I am dizzy,daughter forced me to eat about 2 ounces of chicken yesterday a neighbor brought over and son went and bought doughnuts this morning,we each had one. Now for the part I havent told you,while he was at the hospital Thursday Lockheed Martin called and gave him a job,they were going to discuss details this coming week,he didnt want them to know he was in the hospital so he told them he would meet them Monday,the Northrup Grummen called Friday while he was in the hospital and offered him back the job they rescinded,and yesterday Boeing called and offered him a job,why oh why couldnt this of happened earlier.I want to thank for all the kind words,I am at a loss,I dont want to live,I want to be with John,when we were driving to the hospital i think he knew it was worse than ever as he said lets get into a accident and we can both go together,its what we both want,we both too much embroiled ourselves in each other,I sometimes wish now we had had a accident but then my kids would be grieving 2 parents instead of one. Well I know this was long but I needed to thank you all,Ive got to make up some beds and look less like a zombie before the 1st rush gets here,going try to watch the Packer game today but my heart is not in it,God I loved that man so much,my pookie bear,what am I gonna do without him.We have no money and if I lose the house I will be devasted,a week away from making 70 to a 100 grand a year,and now I am all alone,all alone.

 

[popcorn]

Re: Morning

Thank you for having the courage to pour your heart out here. That is what we are here for. Better a cyber hug than no hug. I am so glad to have met you both when you took the trip to Alaska.

Liz

 

[tango55]

Re: Morning

Korina, please just take one day at a time. Things will sort themselves out. You will be together again one day, but for now, your kids need their mom! Please take care of yourself. We all worry and care about you, even though there isn't much we can do from so far away.

You will always have your memories of your time together - nobody can take that away from you. Houses, and possessions are only things, What's meant to be will be. He would want you to be strong.

Many, many cyber hugs on their way to you. Let your friends and family help you through this.

Love Terry & Ritchie

 

[Cruise cutie]

Re: Morning

I am so very sorry for your husbands passing, and there are no words I can say to make any of it better, may your loving family take some of the bittersweet emotions, and remind you of John's love and devotion to you and your kids...he devoted his life to you all, a wonderful man , be proud he loved you all with such force..taken way, way too early..
too many years in the medical field simply advocate to me it's day to day to day in relishing all the love and joy loved ones bring..I pray for peace, comfort and strength for you all.you are in our thoughts and prayers..hugs Korina..Joanne

 

[bostongal]

Re: Morning

Korina - My deepest condolences to you and your family during this difficult time. Please take care of yourself as that is what John wanted and told Abe so eat, rest and don't worry about how you look while you grieve. One minute at a time if you need to do it that way.

I am keeping you in my heart and prayers.

Meg

 

[KathyC]

Re: Morning

My dear Korina, words cannot express how sorry I am that all of this has happened to you & John. Your love for John has been evident in all of your postings. I wish there was something I could do to make your pain go away. The words I offer may give some comfort but I know words cannot fill that void in your heart.

Yes, your beloved John is gone but Korina you are not alone. You have kids who love you & need you. You have the rest of your family. You have written many times about the great friends that have been there for you & John during trying times and you have us, your cruise addict family.

Korina, you are in shock and in so much pain. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going thru. Give yourself time, time to grieve, time to be angry at all that has happened, time to adjust. And then with help from your family & close friends you will face each new day & you may not think so right now, but you will get stronger & you will move forward in your new life. We are all here for you. If you need to vent, to cry, whatever--we are here to help in any way we possibly can.

 

[nieciez]

Re: Morning

Oh Korina, my heart has been so heavy for you. I know it took great courage for you to sit down and share these emotions with us. I can understand how you want to be with him but you must go on and celebrate the grand love you both have. You still have your kids and someday you will be blessed with grandchildren and you can share with them the memories of this wonderful man you loved so. God bless you my friend and please try and stay strong....get through one day at a time and eventually you will find new firmer ground.

 

[ShipMaven]

Re: Morning

Korina - there is little that any of us can say at this time to calm the shock and grief you are feeling, but you have your extended family here on Cruise @ddicts in addition to your own - we are here for you in thoughts and prayers to try to help any way that we can, even if only to listen.

My Mother dropped dead - literally - of a ruptured Aortic Abdominal Aneurysm on her birthday in 1983. There was no warning. I know the shock. Probably many of us @ddicts know what you're going through.

I send you my love and prayers. Please force yourself to eat, if only little bits of food. You need nourishment, especially now. Your beloved John would have wanted that for you.

God bless.

Mary Ann

 

[tango55]

Re: Morning

Korina, my brother passed away 8 years ago this month, and I was just going through some of his things. Yes I do it all the time, and so will you. It helps - believe me! I came across a card with these words in it:

"I'll be Seeing You" It's not good-bye, though it may seem so, but it is, it seems, my time to go.
I'll be seeing you, say the words of the song, And to you although the time seems long, it's really just the blink of an eye, one more star in the midnight sky.
So just keep singing the words to the song, I'll be seeing you" before too long.

Also came across this picture from our cruise, of the 3 of us watching the Packers Game. You know John will be watching, and he would want you to too.

 

[Beryl]

Re: Morning

Korina, I too send my condolences and hugs! Indeed you are in for some very sad days and weeks .... and while the sadness will never go away it will become easier to bear and, in time, I hope you will concentrate more on the happy memories. It all takes time and it is all part of the process we call grieving. Do grieve and do it your own way. Also keep in mind how much you were loved by John and how important it was to him that you take care of yourself. Do what he wanted you to do and know how proud he is of you.

Many hugs to you and know that I am thinking of you in your sorrow.

 

[Charles]

Re: Morning

As was said above, you need to take your immense loss one day at a time. Your family at home, and here, will help you along.

A big hug.


charles

 

[Whimsy]

Re: Morning

I am so sorry for your loss. Please gather now with your family and friends and lean on them during this difficult time. Then take things one day at a time.

When we lose someone we love it seems that time stands still. What moves through us is a silence... a quiet sadness... A longing for one more day... one more word... one more touch... We may not understand why you left this earth so soon, or why you left before we were ready to say good-bye, but little by little, we begin to remember not just that you died, but that you lived. And that your life gave us memories too beautiful to forget. We will see you again some day, in a heavenly place where there is no parting. A place where there are no words that mean good-bye.

 

[geejay]

Re: Morning

God has brought you to this and He will see you through this.

Korina, your deep love for John has been so apparent in your posts. Stay strong and healthy for him and for your family. One day you will be together again, but in God's time, not your time.

I am so sad for you and you remain in my prayers.

Gloria

"...You know that nothing can ever change what we have always been and always will be to each other." Franklin D. Rooseveldt

 

[Beryl]

Re: Morning

Korina...it occurred to me that you might get some comfort from this poem. It was sent to me when my beloved Dad passed away. It was shared by a sweet friend who had lost her young son in a car accident. She found comfort in it and so did I...and so have many others that I have shared it with over the years. It is also very appropriate for those of us that love ships and the sea! I hope that you and your family find some comfort in it too.

AND THAT IS DYING


I am standing upon the seashore. A ship, at my side,
spreads her white sails to the moving breeze and starts
for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength.
I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck
of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.

Then, someone at my side says, "There, she is gone"

Gone where?

Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast,
hull and spar as she was when she left my side.
And, she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me -- not in her.
And, just at the moment when someone says, "There, she is gone,"
there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices
ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes!"

And that is dying... Henry Van Dyke
​

 

[Geekette]

Re: Morning

Korina, No words I type can make you feel better. It was evident from your posts how much you and John love each other. I cried along with you as I read your post. Please know you are in my thoughts. CyberHugs to you.
Pat

 

[seagrandaddy&seagrandma]

Re: Morning

Dear Korina, our hearts ache for you at your loss.I know through the pain you will have the comfort of your memories, small comfort I know but you will cherish them. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.I hope your health improves to carry you through this difficult time. Dot and Les.

 

[seamom]

Re: Morning

I wish I had beautiful words of comfort as some of the previous posters. I can only say that I feel so badly for you and hope that your wonderful love that you two shared with us too, reflects back to you and helps you through this rough time. Hang in there with your kids and take good care of yourself. You need to be healthy to carry the loving memories so they can live happily in the glow of your love too.

 

[Corky]

Re: Morning

Our hearts are totally broken for you Korina and we pray that soon, one day, you will have peace in your heart again.

 

[Karry]

Re: Morning

Korina, I can honestly say that I have been thinking about you CONSTANTLY the past 2 days. I am sending you a few stories that I hope might SOMEDAY ease your pain. With love and prayers of comfort to you...

You have not left me quite, tho you are gone.
Your memory is such a gentle thing.
The sun reflects it in the early dawn.
White lilacs whisper it at the birth of spring.
May winds bear the message from distant height.
Dull purple shadows falling on the land wrap my lone heart in sorrowful delight.
I feel again the comfort of your hand.
You have not gone entirely while the tree that sheltered us stands green upon the hill,
While mossy garden paths you walked with me ring with the lonely cry of whipporwill.
When all this beauty fades, when all the birds have fled,
then shall I feel your loss,
than shall I mourn you dead.

 

[Karry]

Re: Morning

When tomorrow starts without me and I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes all filled with tears for me.
I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today
While thinking of the many things we didn't get to say.
I know how much you love me, as much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me I know you'll miss me too.
But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand
That an angel came and called my name and took me by the hand.
She said my place was ready in heaven far above.
And that I'd have to leave behind all those I dearly love.
But when I walked thru heaven's gates I felt so much at home
When God looked down and smiled at me from his great golden throne.
He said, "this is eternity and all I've promised you, for life on earth is past, but here it starts anew. I promise no tomorrow for today will always last, and since each day's the same way, there's no longing for the past."
So when tomorrow starts without me, don't think we're far apart.
For every time you think of me
I'm right there in your heart.